I do not know why, I do not understand why but things do not seem to go well lately. Time seems to be ticking away fast and furiously but the amount of work does not seem to cease and that is probably why I feel frustrated at times.. In fact in the past 2 days, i have been disappointed a few times, especially yesterday.. I have in fact vented my anger and frustrations at a class and a few ladies today. I swear I have not been so angry and disappointed before and it made me blast out in front of my class. I shouted at my most sensible yet most stubborn student and she totally ignored me after that. Now I am afraid of myself. In the past year, I have always told myself that I must maintain a high standard for my classes, such that they must be the best or one of the best.
And I maintain my stand that as long as I am reasonable, I believe that students will understand and reciprocate. But that is not the case for 2 classes that I am teaching.. Am I not strict enough? Some say that I am lenient with my students. Is that so? I believe that self discipline is the highest form of discipline and I believe that everyone of my student can achieve that, even the "worst" student in many people's eyes.
I am really frightened of myself. I never let myself burst out in class because I do not want to leave a bad impression for the class so I always try the soft approach. But it seems like anger is overcoming my rational mind and I am starting to fear that I cannot stop myself from being angry. Why can't teaching be a happy job? People say if I do not smile, I look fierce. Who do not want to smile or laugh? Who do not want to be happy? But if they do not change their attitude, how can I teach happily? I have really enjoyed myself teaching at certain classes and it is not only because they pay attention and want to learn, but because there is this mutual understanding that if work needs to be done, it SHOULD and MUST be done.
How I wish to see the hardworking Sec 4 NA students who put in their heart and effort during their N levels last End of Year.. I was so happy that they got what they deserved. But now again, I fear that they might not get what they are aiming for.
I love my CCA, NPCC. No doubt about it.. But do my students love them as much as I do? I treat every competition seriously and hope that we can put in our best and achieve the best that we can strive for. But, is that a dream? I ask myself what I can do for the team other than morally supporting them but it seems like only providing them drinks after training and trying to encourage them, I cannot do anything. In fact I am very happy to see the guys bonding so well, playing soccer and basketball after every training, and it reminds me of my secondary school days. But 2 of the ladies, where I hold high expectations and hopes, have consistently disappointed me by not turning up for training. They influence each other and not only the instructor, but the cadets and team mates question me on why the captain is not there to train for the competition. When I see the fire burning in the rest of the members, I can only stand there feeling helpless that I cannot do anything else to get the full team to train together.
I know that there is a chance and might be the only chance for the ladies to do something that they will be proud of but I just hate to see a dream being destroyed by irresponsible students. I trust her when she says her dad do not let her come for training due to common test, then why can she stay in school today until so late when there is no training? I tried to ask for the other student to come, and she said she will try, but did she try? Maybe I do not understand what they are thinking, maybe, but at least give me a reason so that I will not feel so helpless facing the bombardment of others because I claimed responsibility that the 2 of them will come. Why do they have to make it like I am begging them to do something? I do not understand. Maybe this is what Sec 3 is all about.. Not sparing a thought for others and doing what they like.. Sec 3s, my biggest fear..Now I am beginning to doubt my judgment. Did I place my belief in the wrong people?
Anger, pls do not appear again. I do not want to see you cos you always spoil my day. I hope that you disappear once I put a fullstop to this post. Go away and hide yourself. My life will be better without you..Come only when I need to fight for my rights and when my brain is not working anymore.. Bye anger. Fear, I do not like you too. You make me think and rethink what to do but because of these numerous considerations caused by you, I am leading a troubled life. Go away with anger and never return again. Thanks.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
2010 A Busy and Tiring year
After last year's clearance, my table looks much neater, but the things are starting to pile up bit by bit. This year, I have several classes which are really challenging for me. Let me talk about my classes. I really love and hate them at the same time, let me re-iterate more..
2HCL, a whole new experience this year. Just taken over and with my proficiency in mandarin, it should not be a great problem. Just that sometimes I do not have enough confidence to take them to a higher level. Maybe it is just a confidence problem, I am still trying my best to engage them in class. They are really a highly energetic bunch of students but most of them still need to try to increase their usage of Chinese during lessons. This batch of students is a quality batch, I do not know why, but I feel that they will go far, if they continue to work hard.
3C, meeting old and new friends. I feel close to this class, as there are many of them who came from 2D last year, yet at the same time, it has its side effects. Having 3/4 of the class full of male students, it is a great challenge for me cos of their different profiles. I have not managed to memorize their names yet and I am afraid I might neglect those quieter students and groups, which I am trying hard to get them to speak up. Those students who have known me seem to be noisier as they know that I will not be too harsh on them and I really hope that they can pay more attention and be better from last year. I hope to make them the next 4D class..Having high hopes for them, and if I can see an improvement in their overall grades at the end of year, it will really be a bonus. Great Year end bonus.
4D, my favourite bunch of students. Yar yar, do you know who is he? Without him around, there would have not been any excitement. I had fun with this class for the past 1year 2 months, and I have this sad feeling that they are all going to leave my class after June, after the MT O levels. I have a feeling that 80% of them will get their desired grades if they continue to work hard at the rate that they are performing. I feel very comfortable teaching them and will really miss them when they graduate.. I wish them all the best and hope that they get what they have aimed for and eventually get into their desired courses. Thank you for brightening up my days people.
5A/B, mixed feelings of frustrations and expectations. 34 students, 34 different personalities, 34 challenges to overcome. 34 young teens who will turn 17 or 18 this year. These bunch of students show the least amount of interest in my class, and I have been disappointed at a few occasions. I see many of them listening intently during lessons, but there are always students who would live in their own world, talking to their peers or doing their own stuff, not paying attention. They make me doubt my ability in teaching, and in fact in 2010, I told myself that it would be my greatest achievement of the year if all of them can get at least a B4 in MT O levels. Now that 2 months have passed by, and time reeling away, I get more and more upset each day, as I know I am moving away from this great expectation and dream. When I heard that 80% of the students from Sec 4NA will be coming back, and I will be taking them the coming year, I was very happy and excited, as I really enjoyed teaching them. In fact, they can be very quiet and nice, but it just doesn't last. Today, I was going to compliment them for being quiet and attentive during the 1st 20 minutes, but after that, they became rowdy again and some of them would either not bring their assigned worksheet or not have done their work. I want to help them and I have really high expectations for them, but if they do not want to help themselves,, who can help them? I just want to tell them that it wasn't easy coming to Sec 5, so if they want to give up now, then it will really be a pity. Pls buck up!
Ok that's all for now...I will see my report card at the end of the year and hopefully everyone of us strive and achieve what we have set out for.
2HCL, a whole new experience this year. Just taken over and with my proficiency in mandarin, it should not be a great problem. Just that sometimes I do not have enough confidence to take them to a higher level. Maybe it is just a confidence problem, I am still trying my best to engage them in class. They are really a highly energetic bunch of students but most of them still need to try to increase their usage of Chinese during lessons. This batch of students is a quality batch, I do not know why, but I feel that they will go far, if they continue to work hard.
3C, meeting old and new friends. I feel close to this class, as there are many of them who came from 2D last year, yet at the same time, it has its side effects. Having 3/4 of the class full of male students, it is a great challenge for me cos of their different profiles. I have not managed to memorize their names yet and I am afraid I might neglect those quieter students and groups, which I am trying hard to get them to speak up. Those students who have known me seem to be noisier as they know that I will not be too harsh on them and I really hope that they can pay more attention and be better from last year. I hope to make them the next 4D class..Having high hopes for them, and if I can see an improvement in their overall grades at the end of year, it will really be a bonus. Great Year end bonus.
4D, my favourite bunch of students. Yar yar, do you know who is he? Without him around, there would have not been any excitement. I had fun with this class for the past 1year 2 months, and I have this sad feeling that they are all going to leave my class after June, after the MT O levels. I have a feeling that 80% of them will get their desired grades if they continue to work hard at the rate that they are performing. I feel very comfortable teaching them and will really miss them when they graduate.. I wish them all the best and hope that they get what they have aimed for and eventually get into their desired courses. Thank you for brightening up my days people.
5A/B, mixed feelings of frustrations and expectations. 34 students, 34 different personalities, 34 challenges to overcome. 34 young teens who will turn 17 or 18 this year. These bunch of students show the least amount of interest in my class, and I have been disappointed at a few occasions. I see many of them listening intently during lessons, but there are always students who would live in their own world, talking to their peers or doing their own stuff, not paying attention. They make me doubt my ability in teaching, and in fact in 2010, I told myself that it would be my greatest achievement of the year if all of them can get at least a B4 in MT O levels. Now that 2 months have passed by, and time reeling away, I get more and more upset each day, as I know I am moving away from this great expectation and dream. When I heard that 80% of the students from Sec 4NA will be coming back, and I will be taking them the coming year, I was very happy and excited, as I really enjoyed teaching them. In fact, they can be very quiet and nice, but it just doesn't last. Today, I was going to compliment them for being quiet and attentive during the 1st 20 minutes, but after that, they became rowdy again and some of them would either not bring their assigned worksheet or not have done their work. I want to help them and I have really high expectations for them, but if they do not want to help themselves,, who can help them? I just want to tell them that it wasn't easy coming to Sec 5, so if they want to give up now, then it will really be a pity. Pls buck up!
Ok that's all for now...I will see my report card at the end of the year and hopefully everyone of us strive and achieve what we have set out for.
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