Fear vs Anger

I do not know why, I do not understand why but things do not seem to go well lately. Time seems to be ticking away fast and furiously but the amount of work does not seem to cease and that is probably why I feel frustrated at times.. In fact in the past 2 days, i have been disappointed a few times, especially yesterday.. I have in fact vented my anger and frustrations at a class and a few ladies today. I swear I have not been so angry and disappointed before and it made me blast out in front of my class. I shouted at my most sensible yet most stubborn student and she totally ignored me after that. Now I am afraid of myself. In the past year, I have always told myself that I must maintain a high standard for my classes, such that they must be the best or one of the best.

And I maintain my stand that as long as I am reasonable, I believe that students will understand and reciprocate. But that is not the case for 2 classes that I am teaching.. Am I not strict enough? Some say that I am lenient with my students. Is that so? I believe that self discipline is the highest form of discipline and I believe that everyone of my student can achieve that, even the "worst" student in many people's eyes.

I am really frightened of myself. I never let myself burst out in class because I do not want to leave a bad impression for the class so I always try the soft approach. But it seems like anger is overcoming my rational mind and I am starting to fear that I cannot stop myself from being angry. Why can't teaching be a happy job? People say if I do not smile, I look fierce. Who do not want to smile or laugh? Who do not want to be happy? But if they do not change their attitude, how can I teach happily? I have really enjoyed myself teaching at certain classes and it is not only because they pay attention and want to learn, but because there is this mutual understanding that if work needs to be done, it SHOULD and MUST be done.

How I wish to see the hardworking Sec 4 NA students who put in their heart and effort during their N levels last End of Year.. I was so happy that they got what they deserved. But now again, I fear that they might not get what they are aiming for.

I love my CCA, NPCC. No doubt about it.. But do my students love them as much as I do? I treat every competition seriously and hope that we can put in our best and achieve the best that we can strive for. But, is that a dream? I ask myself what I can do for the team other than morally supporting them but it seems like only providing them drinks after training and trying to encourage them, I cannot do anything. In fact I am very happy to see the guys bonding so well, playing soccer and basketball after every training, and it reminds me of my secondary school days. But 2 of the ladies, where I hold high expectations and hopes, have consistently disappointed me by not turning up for training. They influence each other and not only the instructor, but the cadets and team mates question me on why the captain is not there to train for the competition. When I see the fire burning in the rest of the members, I can only stand there feeling helpless that I cannot do anything else to get the full team to train together.

I know that there is a chance and might be the only chance for the ladies to do something that they will be proud of but I just hate to see a dream being destroyed by irresponsible students. I trust her when she says her dad do not let her come for training due to common test, then why can she stay in school today until so late when there is no training? I tried to ask for the other student to come, and she said she will try, but did she try? Maybe I do not understand what they are thinking, maybe, but at least give me a reason so that I will not feel so helpless facing the bombardment of others because I claimed responsibility that the 2 of them will come. Why do they have to make it like I am begging them to do something? I do not understand. Maybe this is what Sec 3 is all about.. Not sparing a thought for others and doing what they like.. Sec 3s, my biggest fear..Now I am beginning to doubt my judgment. Did I place my belief in the wrong people?

Anger, pls do not appear again. I do not want to see you cos you always spoil my day. I hope that you disappear once I put a fullstop to this post. Go away and hide yourself. My life will be better without you..Come only when I need to fight for my rights and when my brain is not working anymore.. Bye anger. Fear, I do not like you too. You make me think and rethink what to do but because of these numerous considerations caused by you, I am leading a troubled life. Go away with anger and never return again. Thanks.