To be or not to be

Looking back at the past few months, it has flown by in a blink of eye and as each day passes by, I am constantly bugged by the fact that being an educator is not easy. You get frustrated easily when you see others laughing away when you are worrying about their future.. You don't sleep well because there is always someone irresponsible enough to spoil your sleep when they do not hand in homework or hand in substandard work. You feel sad when you see a flawed education system which claims to be in the best interest of students yet the product of this system doubts the machine which shapes the way he/she is. You get upset when you see students after getting 10 years of education ending up in places where they are not supposed to be in, for e.g Prison, or hospital after getting hacked by others.. Are the schools or the teachers not doing enough? Or is this egalitarian system essentially flawed such that it only focuses on the A students and not those who cannot make the mark.

Must Schools be Results Driven because we grow up with the notion of "survival of the fittest" or can they be driven based only on Shaping the Character of the students? Which one should be the priority, Character or Results? To me, one with character will produce results, but not vice versa. But in the real world, in our education system, who truly and wholly believes that? No one, not even the ones who have the power to make decisions. Educators must believe in the power of shaping characters before they can really put their heart into it, but do they have the time and energy facing mountains and heaps of work? Do we?

I have to return to my mundane life of marking and thinking of how to motivate the students.. I always tell my friends, it is the holidays that drive me towards the completion of my work. But even the holidays make me worry.. Cos being an educator, work simply never ends..Never..

End of year.. Should I Lead another project? Should I or should I not? Do people see the value to doing such a project? Do you get recognized for what you do? Do people understand why you are doing so? Do you see RESULTS in your students after the project? What is the impact on them? Do they really feel it?

I have far too many questions in me....I only hope that someone can give me an answer..A student, a colleague or a stranger.. Should I or should I not lead another project?

Let me share a story before I end. It happened in class today.. A student asked me this question and it stumped me, which eventually prompted me to write this post to escape from the reality: "Cher, why does the school make use of us to achieve results?" Then they started comparing the time when they were released as compared to another neighbourhood "good" school. There were some answers coming from everywhere: " XXX school release their students at 1 plus everyday." "Because their students will go home and do their homework mah"..."Their students' results are better mah"..

Finally I stopped them and told them that there are 3 kinds of people who go to school. 1. They go to school because their friends are in school and they are just there to have fun. After school, they will return to computer and not knowing what to do with their life. 2.They go to school because their parents wanted/forced them to go and achieve results, and follow the path that they had mapped out for their child. 3. They go to school because they want to achieve something in life and they feel strongly that studying is their responsibility towards success. Most of us will stop at being the 2nd kind of people where our parents want us to grow up to be.. Few will be the 3rd kind of people and succeed in life.. And I continued to tell them about Veasna, a kid whom me and my friend "adopted" in Cambodia who is very clear about what he wants.. And it is because of his environment which shapes him into what he is..

What has become to our environment? Do kids grow up stronger and more independent? Or do they grow up listening to what their parents decide for them? Lesser and lesser people want to join the uniformed groups because they have grown up in well sheltered conditions.. UGs shape characters and I strongly believe in this. But how many actually believes in this?

Academic focused vs Character focused.. Time's up.. Back to normal life..

Of Delights, Disappointments and HOPE

I brought my 5 NPCC cadets to the National Field Cooking Competition and we got 3rd out of 12 schools. The process was grilling when I watched them cook and sweat..When I saw them make mistakes, I was so anxious that I kept showing my disagreements.. Now, thinking back, I should have placed more trust in them since I picked my leader and asked her to take charge. Even if they lost, they would have learned something.. It is the process of learning that matters. Happy for them.. They have done our unit proud.

But there were 2 others who have disappointed me.. I placed high hopes in them for a National competition and thought that they would come up with something fantastic, but in the end, the higher your hopes, the greater you fall. So I learnt a lesson too. Never place your hopes too high nor your trust in someone too much, because in the end, you may be the one getting hurt.. Though capable, the 2 of my cadets whom I placed high hopes and expectations in, were simply taking the matter lightly. Initiative, something that I am looking for in my cadets.. But how many of them actually possesses it?

Then my Sec 5s, I am happy to see some of them waking up to the call and attending remedials and night classes.. When I look at them, I realize that though they are 16 or 17, but the gentlemen simply behave like small kids.. One even "forced" me to give him a sweet because he completed his work..When will they grow up? When will they realize that they have already spent one more year than the rest of the people of their age and that life is actually quite short? How can I make those who are still lost in their own world to wake up and realize that they are already at their last year of their studies and no one can help them if they do not wake up and help themselves.. HOW CAN I HELP THEM?? Still trying my best..

Now it is important to still have hopes because that is what keep us going.. that is what keeps my job going. If you lose hope, you lose the battle.. So I can only hope for them and for myself.. I just hope that they can all pass and for those who hope to achieve the results that they are aiming for, I hope that they can do it.. Jiayou..

罗志祥 - 爱不单行

到底这首歌是什么意思呢？我们听说“祸不单行”，意思是惨祸接二连三接踵而来。那，“爱不单行”是否又是说，爱会不断接踵而来呢？会相信这句话的人不多，能实现爱一个人始终如一的人，更是凤毛麟角。我有一个朋友，他的恋情真的让我感受到浓浓的爱意，也让我深信这个世界上还存在一些希望。我最喜欢这句话：“爱 只有简单笔画 却比想象复杂”。。而这句“我在等一个人 在等我的永恒”就是我目前的心情写照。

歌词：

找不到人说 心里的寂寞
找不到人懂 怕黑的折磨
找不到命中注定 在一起的那个人
很多人都像我 一个人过生活
爱 只有简单笔画 却比想象复杂
恨安定爱变化
我爱过几个人 也被爱过几遍
却还是没能将幸福留下
爱 是不可数的吗 为何我还相信
它不是独行侠
我在等一个人 在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行别害怕

用不完身边 泛滥的自由
开始怕孤单 是一种诅咒
羡慕我能飞的人 为何在天黑以后
还是宁愿回到 爱情那个枷锁

爱 只有简单笔画 却比想象复杂　（重复）
恨安定爱变化
我爱过几个人 也被爱过几遍
却还是没能将幸福留下
爱 是不可数的吗 为何我还相信
它不是独行侠
我在等一个人 在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行别害怕

我在等一个人 在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行相信它

Changes

I added some new songs to my playlist and created a new song.. A song that I searched for a long time, but could not find so in the end I created a very simple MTV for it.. 3rd song I think.. So this is the 1st change I made to the blog..

Changes happen almost every second and I wonder what could be happening the next second.. 《爱不单行》 seems to be the right song at this moment.. So far, one aspect of my life hasn't been changing. That is how busy I am, and this unchanged aspect has made one part of my life stagnant, which is not difficult to guess which one.. Work, Relax, Sleep, Work..Where is my L...?

I hope that I will be able to introduce more changes when I get to the 2nd half of the year where I see most of my Sec 4s/5s able to progress on. Only then, I will be able to really relax a bit.. I really hope my Sec 2s and 3s will be able to catch up fast and not be complacent. Good grades do not come naturally, what matters is always the attitude towards studies.. I am really worried that if my Sec 5s do not CHANGE their mentality and attitude, it is going to be worrying for their O Levels Exams at the end of Term 2.. Pls change soon..

Change is a constant, meaning that we should expect changes to constantly happen, but what if this change is something that we cannot accept? How should we handle it? Hmm, maybe I should spend some time thinking about it before it happens..

Fear vs Anger

I do not know why, I do not understand why but things do not seem to go well lately. Time seems to be ticking away fast and furiously but the amount of work does not seem to cease and that is probably why I feel frustrated at times.. In fact in the past 2 days, i have been disappointed a few times, especially yesterday.. I have in fact vented my anger and frustrations at a class and a few ladies today. I swear I have not been so angry and disappointed before and it made me blast out in front of my class. I shouted at my most sensible yet most stubborn student and she totally ignored me after that. Now I am afraid of myself. In the past year, I have always told myself that I must maintain a high standard for my classes, such that they must be the best or one of the best.

And I maintain my stand that as long as I am reasonable, I believe that students will understand and reciprocate. But that is not the case for 2 classes that I am teaching.. Am I not strict enough? Some say that I am lenient with my students. Is that so? I believe that self discipline is the highest form of discipline and I believe that everyone of my student can achieve that, even the "worst" student in many people's eyes.

I am really frightened of myself. I never let myself burst out in class because I do not want to leave a bad impression for the class so I always try the soft approach. But it seems like anger is overcoming my rational mind and I am starting to fear that I cannot stop myself from being angry. Why can't teaching be a happy job? People say if I do not smile, I look fierce. Who do not want to smile or laugh? Who do not want to be happy? But if they do not change their attitude, how can I teach happily? I have really enjoyed myself teaching at certain classes and it is not only because they pay attention and want to learn, but because there is this mutual understanding that if work needs to be done, it SHOULD and MUST be done.

How I wish to see the hardworking Sec 4 NA students who put in their heart and effort during their N levels last End of Year.. I was so happy that they got what they deserved. But now again, I fear that they might not get what they are aiming for.

I love my CCA, NPCC. No doubt about it.. But do my students love them as much as I do? I treat every competition seriously and hope that we can put in our best and achieve the best that we can strive for. But, is that a dream? I ask myself what I can do for the team other than morally supporting them but it seems like only providing them drinks after training and trying to encourage them, I cannot do anything. In fact I am very happy to see the guys bonding so well, playing soccer and basketball after every training, and it reminds me of my secondary school days. But 2 of the ladies, where I hold high expectations and hopes, have consistently disappointed me by not turning up for training. They influence each other and not only the instructor, but the cadets and team mates question me on why the captain is not there to train for the competition. When I see the fire burning in the rest of the members, I can only stand there feeling helpless that I cannot do anything else to get the full team to train together.

I know that there is a chance and might be the only chance for the ladies to do something that they will be proud of but I just hate to see a dream being destroyed by irresponsible students. I trust her when she says her dad do not let her come for training due to common test, then why can she stay in school today until so late when there is no training? I tried to ask for the other student to come, and she said she will try, but did she try? Maybe I do not understand what they are thinking, maybe, but at least give me a reason so that I will not feel so helpless facing the bombardment of others because I claimed responsibility that the 2 of them will come. Why do they have to make it like I am begging them to do something? I do not understand. Maybe this is what Sec 3 is all about.. Not sparing a thought for others and doing what they like.. Sec 3s, my biggest fear..Now I am beginning to doubt my judgment. Did I place my belief in the wrong people?

Anger, pls do not appear again. I do not want to see you cos you always spoil my day. I hope that you disappear once I put a fullstop to this post. Go away and hide yourself. My life will be better without you..Come only when I need to fight for my rights and when my brain is not working anymore.. Bye anger. Fear, I do not like you too. You make me think and rethink what to do but because of these numerous considerations caused by you, I am leading a troubled life. Go away with anger and never return again. Thanks.

2010 A Busy and Tiring year

After last year's clearance, my table looks much neater, but the things are starting to pile up bit by bit. This year, I have several classes which are really challenging for me. Let me talk about my classes. I really love and hate them at the same time, let me re-iterate more..

2HCL, a whole new experience this year. Just taken over and with my proficiency in mandarin, it should not be a great problem. Just that sometimes I do not have enough confidence to take them to a higher level. Maybe it is just a confidence problem, I am still trying my best to engage them in class. They are really a highly energetic bunch of students but most of them still need to try to increase their usage of Chinese during lessons. This batch of students is a quality batch, I do not know why, but I feel that they will go far, if they continue to work hard.


3C, meeting old and new friends. I feel close to this class, as there are many of them who came from 2D last year, yet at the same time, it has its side effects. Having 3/4 of the class full of male students, it is a great challenge for me cos of their different profiles. I have not managed to memorize their names yet and I am afraid I might neglect those quieter students and groups, which I am trying hard to get them to speak up. Those students who have known me seem to be noisier as they know that I will not be too harsh on them and I really hope that they can pay more attention and be better from last year. I hope to make them the next 4D class..Having high hopes for them, and if I can see an improvement in their overall grades at the end of year, it will really be a bonus. Great Year end bonus.

4D, my favourite bunch of students. Yar yar, do you know who is he? Without him around, there would have not been any excitement. I had fun with this class for the past 1year 2 months, and I have this sad feeling that they are all going to leave my class after June, after the MT O levels. I have a feeling that 80% of them will get their desired grades if they continue to work hard at the rate that they are performing. I feel very comfortable teaching them and will really miss them when they graduate.. I wish them all the best and hope that they get what they have aimed for and eventually get into their desired courses. Thank you for brightening up my days people.

5A/B, mixed feelings of frustrations and expectations. 34 students, 34 different personalities, 34 challenges to overcome. 34 young teens who will turn 17 or 18 this year. These bunch of students show the least amount of interest in my class, and I have been disappointed at a few occasions. I see many of them listening intently during lessons, but there are always students who would live in their own world, talking to their peers or doing their own stuff, not paying attention. They make me doubt my ability in teaching, and in fact in 2010, I told myself that it would be my greatest achievement of the year if all of them can get at least a B4 in MT O levels. Now that 2 months have passed by, and time reeling away, I get more and more upset each day, as I know I am moving away from this great expectation and dream. When I heard that 80% of the students from Sec 4NA will be coming back, and I will be taking them the coming year, I was very happy and excited, as I really enjoyed teaching them. In fact, they can be very quiet and nice, but it just doesn't last. Today, I was going to compliment them for being quiet and attentive during the 1st 20 minutes, but after that, they became rowdy again and some of them would either not bring their assigned worksheet or not have done their work. I want to help them and I have really high expectations for them, but if they do not want to help themselves,, who can help them? I just want to tell them that it wasn't easy coming to Sec 5, so if they want to give up now, then it will really be a pity. Pls buck up!

Ok that's all for now...I will see my report card at the end of the year and hopefully everyone of us strive and achieve what we have set out for.